Grief – Does It Ever Go Away? 

Sometimes we hold on to grief, because we cannot imagine a life without it. Can you handle a life which is free of grief and filled with joy?

Long ago I heard a conversation by BK Shivani, about what happens when we don’t stop grieving. The story she narrated was simple, yet most apt, to drive the point home. 

As parents and caregivers we all follow a simple way of being once our children leave home to study or work in another country. Will you miss them? Of course you will. Does it make you sad, yes it sure does. But at the same time, when they call you, do you show your sadness? Usually no. Infact, most of us would sound cheerful and ask them how they are doing. If you let out your sadness and tell them how miserable you are without them or how difficult life is when you see an empty room in the house, do you think they are going to be at peace? 

Same goes for a person who has crossed over. We understand that death is only an end to our physical form. The soul continues to live and changes form. Think about it. When the soul that has crossed over is reincarnating into another life, the constant feelings of grief and sadness is what it receives from all those people the soul spent their life with, in this lifetime. Will these vibrations of sadness and grief serve that soul in anyway? Will it feel happy, peaceful and calm? As the soul grows up it continues to feel sad in that body, not knowing why. It does not seem to enjoy the bounties of being a new life or the love it receives from those in the new life. And you know how the rest of the story would pan out. 

This story touches all the right cords of your heart and opens your eyes to what your grief is doing to the crossed over soul. Can you imagine what it is doing to you, right here, right now? We all have lost a loved one sometime in our life and so we understand that dealing with grief is not easy. But it also does not mean, we allow grief to take over and cripple our hearts for a lifetime. The loved ones who left us would not be happy to see us grieve endlessly. They would want us to be happy and peaceful, carrying on with our lives, but with happy memories of them in our hearts. 

So if you are still grieving over a loved one, here are 7 ways to stop grieving and start living

Love And Light

Every time you miss them, recall your happy times together, feel that joy fill your being, hear their laughter in your ears, feel their presence around you and from this energetic space, send them love and light. Know that wherever they may be, they are receiving your vibration of love and it is making them feel immensely loved and cared for. Imagine their soul lighting up with joy as they feel your love and light.  

Carry Out An Activity

When you are grieving, go out and help the planet and those in need. It will heal you deeply. Plant a tree, feed the needy, carry out any charitable activity, spend time doing what they loved doing. When you see the first green from the seed you planted, or see the smile on a hungry person’s face after you feed them, or when someone you helped, thanks you – you will begin to feel healed.

Keep Them Alive

Keep them alive by embodying the good you learnt from their life on Earth. It could be their happy disposition towards life, their way of dealing with challenges, the way they would make you laugh, how they would forgive easily or whatever it is about them that you loved the most. Make it yours. So they continue live through you. 

Help Yourself By Helping Others

The best way to deal with your grief is to help someone who is grieving. As counter intuitive as this may sound, we invite you to give this one a try. You’ll be surprised, how you draw the courage and the words to comfort them. And as you do this, you will begin to heal yourself too. When it comes upon us to heal someone else, we suddenly find the right words to say and know the right gestures to help them feel better. We often find it difficult to do this with ourselves though. Our mind and emotions get in the way and keep us stuck. Go out and help someone deal with their grief. 

Real death is not when the body demises, real death is when the knowledge of your existence ceases to exist. 

– Sidra Jafri

Let Go Of The Guilt

Sometimes we feel guilty to be happy, laugh or enjoy life after a loved one has crossed over. We don’t want to cook the food they loved, the places they went to or the things they enjoyed the most. Guilt is a way of punishing ourselves deeply. It ensures we go deeper and deeper in sadness, almost as if this is the only way the departed will know that they are missed. It is not true. Being in guilt is no way of dealing with grief. It is a downward spiral of sadness. 

Free Yourself Of Judgement

The inner voice which says ‘I cannot be happy after my loved one has passed away, I shouldn’t dress well, I shouldn’t eat well and I shouldn’t smile or laugh. It is not right. It means I don’t miss them, I didn’t love them enough and blah blah blah…..’ This leads us to the next level of sadness. It is an open invitation for depression to enter our lives.  The judge who is sitting in our heads and the people outside who are judging us around how much grief we display, are not going to help us live a normal life ever. Death is inevitable, the order in which we leave this earth is also not in our control – but freeing ourselves of self judgement and judgement of others is our choice. Choose wisely. 

Don’t Punish The Living

There is nothing more important than living your life fully – experiencing all it has to offer. The loss of a loved one alters our life in ways we cannot comprehend. But it does not have to stop our life completely. By doing some of the above things, you will heal yourself and those around you. Remember you still have people who surround your life and love you. Please stop punishing them by refusing to let go of your grief. They deserve your love, time and attention and vice versa. Give them a chance to heal you. 

Like Sidra so lovingly says – Real death is not when the body demises, real death is when the knowledge of your existence ceases to exist. 

Dissolving our grief does not mean we forget them, it simply means, we feel their loss in the physical form, but continue to enjoy their presence through happy memories, their stories and their contribution to our lives. Our love for those who left us continues to fill our days and our being. Let’s keep it alive and shining inside us. Then it won’t matter where they are – because they will feel your love and you will feel theirs. Always. 

Grief is real, so is life. Let’s make a conscious choice to allow grief to stay where it belongs and continue to move through our lives with their love in our hearts. 

Share this with someone you know is unable to cope with their grief – you may just help them heal.